It’s really hard to bring a lot of my stories back up to the surface. My therapy includes writing out what happened to me, and my family. Some days I can write about a certain moment and be fine…
However, there are the ones that I tend to try and avoid… but I end up writing it out eventually because I know I need to. I cry and I hurt all over again and it sucks. But eventually, I know that it’s my way of releasing the hold I had on that memory.
Deep down I know this is this process, but it doesn’t mean I necessarily want to do it, even when I know that after all the tears dry I will find my way back. Find my way back to me.
It’s not easy opening up old wounds. But just like with real wounds sometimes you need to drain it, take all the bad out so that you can let yourself heal. It’s not fun, nor does it feel good but eventually you do feel better.
As much as I would rather keep the pain hidden and push it deep down, I know that it would only come out in other ways, and not positive ways; negative ways. You don’t always realize it because your brain knows you don’t want to feel…
But you have to feel. Otherwise, you become numb, and trust me you don’t want to plainly become numb.
There are days when I want to say “Fuck it!” And I’m pretty sure everyone has days like those.
Writing about my Dad’s cancer got me really good. It hurt, I felt raw, I cried, but then I went and got a pen and paper and started to write this.
To remind myself of why I am doing this. For me to heal, to show others it’s okay to be vulnerable, to wear your heart out on your sleeve. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be mad, it’s okay to speak out, it’s okay to not be okay.
Everyone is different and we all handle things differently. For me, I’m very emotional; always have been. But I was always ashamed of that emotion.
Big girls do cry (big boys cry too); we all cry and it’s okay to let yourself feel. It’s okay to be who you are, it’s okay if you handle things differently than others. The mind is an amazing crazy powerful thing.
Just remember to not get lost. It’s really easy to lose yourself. Just remember you’re not alone. I felt alone for so long and I was so wrong. I just can’t stress that enough. You’re not alone. I went too long thinking that I was alone in it all.
Remember that you can find yourself. Even when you think that person is gone, you’re still in there.
This may be kind of all over the place, but the bottom line is this: Keep going, don’t give up when it gets hard. Let yourself feel the hurt and then let it go. The road may be bumpy but it’s worth it.