Mom

Some of my posts won’t always be in order. My brain jumps around and there are so many different things I want to talk about. I want to also focus on the positive things. Only recently have I been able to let go of some of my anger entirely. And one thing I need to do is acknowledge how much I need to give my mom credit. When I still thought things were picture perfect, she knew that they weren’t and she hid it so well. You’d never have thought anything was wrong. She shielded us for as long as she could. She was a stay at home mom; she was always there to do things. I was also a very active high strung kid, and I know I didn’t always make things easy for her. 

I remember her always taking me and my friends to the lake, she even took us fishing a few times. She did so many things with me, our walks in the woods that connected between our neighbor’s properties. She was classroom mom every year in Elementary School and volunteered for almost every single field trip we went on. She was always making sure I had something fun to do. Dance, soccer, tae kwon do, basketball, dance again, and more! I was so lucky to have been given these chances and opportunities to be with other kids my age and enrolled in things not all kids could be in.  

When I’d be sick (which was often) she always made me my favorite Lipton Noodle Soup, and she let me lay in her bed to watch tv and snuggle. Which used to drive my dad crazy when he’d come home and see me on his side of the bed sick with dirty tissues on his bedside table. He would make her change the sheets as soon as I was out of the bed, and she did so without complaint. My dad was a neat freak and of course, the thought of my germs in his bed made his skin crawl. 

She made sure I had the best birthday parties. Discovery zone, digging for gems and crystals at mother earth, Duck Pin Bowling, fun station, and even at home, she made it so I had the best parties. I never gave her enough credit for all of it. I could go on forever about all the things she’s done for me. The fact that she also had to shield my brother and me for as long as she could, always putting on a brave face, I am sure was exhausting enough. 

The home videos she always took, with me making nonsense jokes, awful singing to hilarious nursery rhymes, bedtime stories. It’s hard to remember these things once things started to go south. I recently did an “I love you Mom” book that had prompts for you to fill in. Doing this book for her made me really realize how awful I could be to her, holding onto anger for things she had done. Even though my dad had made way more mistakes than her. It was then, that I realized how truly sorry I was that I let my dad become so idolized because I lost sight of what things used to look like. 

My Mom said acknowledging that she was there made her really happy, and I wish I could have done it sooner. It took me too many years of anger to see through it and realize the things I was angry at her for were not worth being angry over anymore. She had to take the role of being “punisher”, so I gravitated towards my dad. He rarely had to take that role on because he wasn’t always around, and I don’t think he knew how to be. And when mom would be mad at me, dad knew how to calm me down. She’s said she’s so glad I was close to my father (which was up and down… it was always up and down with me and him) but she was so happy that I finally could see how much she really was there. I may have felt abandoned, and she did things I didn’t approve of but she’s still my mother, and I really wish I had been nicer. Again though when you’re in your teens and everything seems bad, it’s hard to remember the good times. It isn’t always easy, it took me a long time to realize a lot about my own issues, and a huge part of that is therapy. 

I had come to realize the anger I was holding onto wasn’t fair to her. I couldn’t let go of these very few moments in time; it’s like I blanked out all the good things she did. We have talked a lot about this and I  have to say I feel so much lighter letting go of that hate, especially since the hate should have never been directed at her. I also feel that a lot of that hate came from hating myself. And that she was able to get away from my dad’s issues, and I was stuck with them. 

I want my mom to know I am so grateful for her. She had to deal with so much herself, and I am sorry I could never see that I wasn’t the only one hurting. We always wish we could press rewind, but we can’t. But we do still have the choice to forgive and learn and grow. I will continue to show my mom she is special and amazing. She more than deserves it. The fact that she always tried, even when I rebelled against everything — she tried her best. Thank you, Mom, for being who you are. You have taught me strength, love, and kindness. Thank you for never giving up on me, and always knowing deep down I’d come around. How could I not be grateful for all of that? 

Not only that, but she is one of my biggest supporters. She listens and talks to me. She doesn’t judge. She is kind and loving. She understands that I see things differently and is okay with that, which is HUGE! Having someone being supportive means everything! And I honestly am so thankful and lucky to have her as a mom. I always thought that my Dad was who made me strong, because of what he put me through. And in a way, it did make me stronger but no. It was my mom. She fought hard to be where she is and I admire her for that. My strength comes from her through and through. I love you Mom, to the moon and back.

Love always,
Your Qtip

“A real mom:
Emotional, yet the rock.
Tired, but keeps going.
Worried, but full of hope.
Impatient, but patient.
Overwhelmed, but never quits.
Amazing, even though doubted.
Wonderful, even in the chaos.
Life changer, every single day.”

-Rachel Martin