Punk Stage

After Middle School and feeling angry and rejected from almost everyone, I started to dress a bit differently. Hot Topic was my main store, and my outfits consisted of fishnet leggings, skulls on my skirts, and bracelets that went all the way up both my arms. Anything to make me feel different. And honestly, I liked the style. I stood out 100% in school, and at that point in my head, I felt like who the F cares?? 

I had very few “good” friends, and the friends I did have, pretty sure used me, and they talked about me behind my back and made me feel small. So small that dressing like this made me feel more badass. Plus as usual, I had influences. I reconnected with an old friend from Danbury, and this was the type of person she was and who she hung out with. My dad, and a few other family members despised how I dressed. Which made it a million times more appealing to me. Anything to make my dad feel uncomfortable or mad made me happy. How sick is that? 

This friend that I had started hanging out with was an old neighborhood friend, and she really helped introduce me to more people in Danbury, even before I moved back. She introduced me to Empress Ballroom, where you went to listen to punk bands-that to me honestly all sounded terrible. We had our small group of “punks.” She and I had even dated two people from one of the bands we were friends with.

I liked how I dressed, and I had a good time with it. Figuring out who you are is difficult when you have zero self-esteem. 

It was awkward, and I was self-conscious. I had braces and acne but so did the guy I was dating. Looking back, I honestly have no idea why I dated him. No, I take that back, I looked for love and attention anywhere I could so I thought okay this makes sense. I had such low self-esteem I would take it where I could. (Sorry to that guy.)

It was a whole different vibe than I was used to and it usually was just me and my friend and the band. We had a fun group. We drank sometimes, but it was different from what I was used to in my “new” town. By the time I entered Danbury High, I had stayed in touch with these friends but in a different way.

Danbury High is massive and I created new friends, connected with some old and slowly I started to dress less and less like a “punk”. Don’t get me wrong I still loved that phase and I still have some things I still love to wear that is considered “punkish”. I could dress how I wanted to and not be judged. I had always gone with the flow of whatever the people I was hanging out with were doing, so I would try to wear or do the things they did. I wasn’t being me. I had no self identify until going through all these different changes. 

I still think I still have a little bit of punk in me. I have 6 1/2 tattoos (the half being a tiny small heart on my thumb) and plan on getting more. I don’t usually dress too girly. I love me some jeans, converse and a studded belt. 

We all go through so many stages in life, it’s okay to embrace them. It molds how we act, and who we are. We learn from every “phase”, or a new adventure. Things that may throw us off, end up balancing out. I look back at a lot and laugh. I had a great time during my punk stage and many other stages, even when things weren’t perfect. 

We are always evolving into new phases.

“You’re definitely a different person at different stages in your life.”-Ben Harper

I can say that this quote is absolutely 100% accurate. Every “stage” we go through, we are different people. We learn we mess up; we rebel, etc. And at each point, we change. I feel like I have lived many different lives and I’m only Thirty. We either change, or get lost, but we are always changing and it’s not always bad. If you truly want to, you can and will change. But it’s up to you how you learn from each chapter in your life. I didn’t know it then, but you can make things better. You just have to really want it.