From my last post one thing I mentioned was how it’s the little things that matter. Little things like saying “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.” Two words that would have meant everything to me. Two simple words and my Dad couldn’t do it. Instead, Dad would buy us “forgive me” gifts without so much the words. He didn’t seem to realize that for me, an apology would have beaten gifts every time.
My Dad relapsed after my parents divorced, which meant I got a Nextel. His excuse was: now that I am not home I want to know where you are and have a way to call you. Really what it said was “I was terrible for calling your mom a cunt, terrible for letting you see how drunk I was and calling you names.” But those words never came out of his mouth; I got the cell phone instead.
Don’t get me wrong I was stoked to get the cell phone, but it wasn’t what was needed. It was a “guilt gift” when all I really needed were two simple words.
Another time, he had a minor relapse. Funny to call it a minor relapse but that’s what it was. He went into the hospital (which was torture to get him in there), back out, and that was that. No going to rehab; he was just fine. During other times, it wasn’t so short and straightforward. We never knew how long his relapses would last, but that’s what this one was: a minor one.
Regardless, this time, I got a gorgeous heart necklace from Tiffanys! It was gorgeous; the funny thing is I thought I lost that necklace years ago and shit you not I found it just a couple of days ago. I was so upset I lost it after he died, not having something he gave to me… which is ironic because when he was still alive, I would have done anything to trade that necklace for him to actually apologize to me. But, and this may be contradicting myself, I guess I am happy he got me that necklace. I wish it had been for something like my birthday, not for falling off the wagon.
But the biggest “guilt gift” was a slightly used 2006 Jeep Liberty. I’ll never forget that day. I had been working, and Dad called and said he had to come pick me up early. I didn’t know why the random early pick-up, but you never knew with my Dad.
I had recently turned sixteen and got my license, but we hadn’t talked about getting me a car. It never really entered my mind to ask if I was getting a car or not, especially with my Dad’s relapse. Having a car wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. I always said I wanted to get a junk car. I knew myself; I knew I’d wreck it at some point. I was a teenager, and teenagers do dumb things. We think we are smart at the time but really aren’t. And I crashed that car at least four times.
Anyway, Dad picked me up from work, and we headed back to our condo. Now our condo only had one car space, and it was a garage space. When he opened the garage door, my heart skipped a beat. There was a car already parked in Dad’s spot. I instantly got so excited!
“God damnit what the fuck? Why is there a goddamn car in my spot?!” My dad yelled.
Instantly I deflated, of course, Dad didn’t buy me a car.
He played it so well, shit it was Steven Chance, he could pull off anything. Until I saw him reach into the side door and saw the keys as he beep beep unlocked the car.
He got me a barely used, almost new car! I fucking loved it. And that car holds a million memories inside. I miss that car every day. But again, I would have traded it for “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for letting you down, I’m sorry for promising things would be better and they weren’t. Sorry I screwed up again.”
Now some of you may think what a spoiled little girl, or maybe that’s just what’s in my head. But I’d trade all the fancy gifts he got me over the years for a real apology any day. That’s all I ever wanted to hear. I wanted to hear how sorry he was for how badly he treated us or talked to us. For all the shit he put us through over the years. And I know deep down he knew that’s all he had to do.
Two simple words. “I’m sorry.” He couldn’t do it, so he bought us things instead. Even when I was younger, I knew it was bullshit. Yay! A necklace, but where is the “Sorry I called you a worthless piece of garbage”? Where was the “I’m sorry, I made a mistake”?
I’d trade everything to hear it from his mouth, two little words that would make a huge difference. Words a prideful man could not say. There are two things I’ve always wanted to hear from my dad:
“I’m sorry”
AND
“I’m proud of you”
In the future my Dads lack of “I’m sorry” made me apologize for everything! Even if I wasn’t wrong, I would apologize! I still do for the most part. One, I hate fighting, which makes sense since I feel like half my life was fighting and listening to screaming. So anything to end screaming and crying or even just the tiniest argument, I’ll apologize. I loathe fighting, but I will always say sorry.
We all need to hear it sometimes, regardless of how big or small the problem is. We are never always right, and a truthful “I’m sorry” means more than some heart necklace or car.
My Dad is gone now, and those words still haunt me. I’ve heard him say it to me in dreams, and deep down I know he was sorry but it still would have been nice to hear them out loud, straight from his own mouth.
If you’re someone who doesn’t say sorry when you know/knew you should — START to. It means more than you know to people. It’s about admitting you aren’t perfect and are human and can make mistakes b
One simple rule: Always say you’re sorry. Obviously, do it for the right reasons. But you’ll start to notice how just two words can make the most significant impact on someone else’s life.
“When you’ve done something wrong, admit it and be sorry. No one in history has choked to death from swallowing his pride.” -Cinon