Senior Year

Moving back to Danbury with my Dad was great. At first. I made it through my junior year of high school with only minor panic attacks and minimal Dad problems. Everything seemed to be going okay. But then I hit my senior year.

Dad started to relapse more frequently, and I had no idea how to handle it all. I was by myself and felt like I had no real grasp of what was happening around me. I’ve always been an emotional person, so it was easy for all these emotions to suffocate me. Mom got to divorce the man; I was stuck. My brother was already on his own, so he had his own life.

My brother recently asked me if I “really” tried in school.

I did, I really did. I was getting decent grades at Danbury, but my senior year was different. I let the rise and fall of my dad dictate everything. The only way to explain it is that I felt my mind was screwed up. 

I felt lost, and not everyone handles things in the same way, and for me, I didn’t care anymore. How could I, when I was genuinely trying, and it still wasn’t good enough? I gave up on myself because I felt there was no way that I could be good enough. 

I never realized I only needed to be good enough for ME. 

During my senior year, my Mom started interning as a guidance counselor at my school. I came to her crying daily. “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do this.” I was in tears almost every day, panicking that I was too dumb for any of my classes.

I would sit in class feeling dumb and stupid while all my classmates were raising their hands and knew all the answers. My heart would start to race. I would run out of the room period. The principal was a kind man and knew about my anxiety. He allowed me to come sit in his office when I needed to. I felt like I was there every day.

School was never something I was good at; I was okay at it but never great. I felt dumb; I was told I was dumb. My Dad would tell me, “You better get used to saying, “Would you like fries with that?” Which only made me feel that much worse. In hindsight, I think he was trying to encourage me, but it had the complete opposite effect.

Also, during this time, I had been seeing a therapist. I cried every time I saw her. She was the only one who understood the pressure was too much for me. She told me she knew of a way that I could still get an official high school diploma, but in a smaller setting so I wouldn’t get so stressed out.

She called my parents and talked to them to see if it would be okay to bring me and show me this program. It was right down the street from where her office was. Although I don’t think my parents were thrilled, they agreed to let her take me. I believe that they felt unsure of what to do with me.

The school program is called ‘WeRace’. It was a small program. A lot of the girls who went there were there because they were pregnant. Not all of them, but a good portion, and the class size was maybe ten kids.

After seeing the program, I felt like this was the right option for me. My parents fought me on it, they wanted me to try a different school, but deep down, I knew I had to do this for myself. I knew they wouldn’t understand it, but I knew it was where I had to go. Otherwise, I’d be crying every day, sending myself into a panic attack left and right.

I was shutting down mentally, and the panic attacks only got worse.

Luckily for me, I only needed a few more credits to graduate, and the way they set it up was quite easy. 

All I had to do was go in, get my packets, leave, and return with my finished packets and take a test. I’d get new packets, and I was off until I had to come back for my next test. 

This allowed me to work more. School was only a few hours a week, with only one major project due at the end. To some, this was the easy way out, yes. But at the time, it was what I needed. It’s not a GED; it’s a High School Diploma. I was also able to graduate six months ahead of everyone else, how do you beat that? 

The only regrets I have are about graduation. I do feel a loss. I didn’t get to sit with my fellow students. I didn’t get to toss my cap. I didn’t formally start a new chapter in life. I will never know what that feels like, and I do envy others for having the will power to fight through battles and still graduate normally.

WeRace is now a lot different. They’ve changed their standards; I just happened to eke by. But I do still feel lucky I was able to go there and finish High School. I don’t think I would have been able to finish out senior year in any way other than that option. 

I wanted Danbury to save me, but a new town and school can’t change what’s happening at home. And what happens at home really does affect how a kid does in school, and in life. Now not ALL kids will go through that, some may have the same challenges and still get by, and that’s AMAZING! It’s just not how it played out for me.

The way I acted and thought, I wasn’t your “typical” teenager. Or maybe I was. A young person’s brain is not fully developed yet, and mine was dark, twisted, and scared. It’s hard to focus on what can be when you’re stuck on what you’re not.

WeRace saved me from dropping out. Do I sometimes wish I’d stuck it out? Yes, but there is no changing the past, and I am okay with that. Because today I’m okay. Today I am who I am because of all the twists and turns I had taken.  

School is not everyone’s forte, and that is okay. You might not like it but you should try to find a way to graduate from high school that works for you. That is another thing I didn’t fully understand until I was older.

“It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to do something you wish you’d never done because if we don’t do those things we never grow.”- Dawn Stanyon

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