Depression has been something I’ve struggled with since Middle School. I’ve always been an emotional kid and adult, so maybe it even started before then. Depression wasn’t something I ever wanted to admit to myself, and it’s hard to notice when you are depressed until someone else points it out, and even th
My signs of depression:
- Crying A LOT (Although I am a crier naturally this is a different type of crying.)
- I would sleep all day long, always wanting to be in the darkness, never wanting to move.
- I would lash out at people for no reason at all; I would get angry fast like a switch had been flipped.
- I secluded myself for days before reappearing like nothing was wrong.
- Hating myself/wanting to hurt myself (But not to die… it was to feel…something) * I did try cutting a few times. I think partly I was just trying things I had heard about, but my fear of death made me not want to succeed. I never cut deep, more like scratches but regardless absolutely not okay.
- I would feel numb to everything around me.
I could write quite a few more but I think you get my point.
I would go through a lot of highs and lows. Never knowing when I’d be super happy, or never knowing when I would be super depressed. My mom ended up bringing me to be seen by a therapist and psychiatrist. They tried several different medications until they could find one that worked.
It takes months for a medication to really kick in and to work. And when they worked, I always made the classic mistake of “Oh, I’m fine now!” And I would just stop taking them. I figured I didn’t really need them.
WRONG!
And it was always my mom who knew me best. She always knew when I’d stopped taking the meds. Mainly, from how nasty I would get, and also maybe just a bit of a mothers intuition; but she always knew.
I have no idea why I thought it was smart to stop when I knew the risks. You can get very sick going cold turkey. I once accidentally forgot my meds when I went to Florida for a long weekend, and after the second day, I was
And even when you’re on antidepressants that had seemed to be working, you can still fall into depression. I am thankful that I found a psychiatrist that helped me figure out what to do in those situations. I am currently on antidepressants and maybe, just maybe I won’t have to take them forever but, for now, I do. I am still working through a lot in my life, and know that now may not be the best time to try to stop them. I want to do it the right way when the time comes, for once.
When younger, I would go through phases of hating life, hating my father, hating school, and hating myself.
I never thought I was smart enough, or pretty enough. All I could see was ugly. Never knowing that NONE of that was ever true. It’s hard to see clearly when your mind is shattered.
I gave up on a lot of things, and I did make things worse for myself by taking the road of numbing and pretending not to care. When truly I cared TOO much.
I went to many therapists over the years, but they never helped. Until I realized it never helped because I never fully allowed myself to tell the whole truth.
I’d omit details because I didn’t want to face my issues. Which led me down a road of negativity that even the tiniest of things would bother me. I stopped taking care of myself until I was so sick from it, I eventually hit a wall.
Not only did I know I needed to be healthier, but I also needed to seriously give therapy a try. To do the work, so that I could finally stop feeling sad ALL the time. I used to have this thought that popped into my head a lot. “Maybe I’m not meant to be happy. Maybe life never intended for me to live a life I longed for.”
It took me a very long time to seriously face it, but I am finally doing it. With starting therapy I can honestly say things have gotten easier. I can say that I am learning to be happy without faking it.
It’s hard work! You have to really want it. Just like everything else in life, you have to want it for you, not for anyone else. Until you want to try and climb out of that pit of sadness, it won’t happen. And everyone’s therapy is different, not one therapy is perfect for everyone.
I have a long way to go, and I’ll share with you all that I learn along the way and what I think helps. Don’t feel alone; you’re not. You’ll realize you have more people than you thought ready to love and support you.
“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”- Margaret Thatcher