Alateen

My mom had joined a support group called Al-anon. It’s a support group for adults who are dealing with someone they have in their lives who is an alcoholic. She found a great support group for her to help understand 1.) Alcoholism is a disease 2.) There is support and 3.)How to deal with her situation. With her joining this group she learned there was a group like hers but for teens(Alateen). And she wanted me to go. She thought it would help me understand a little bit more of why my dad was the way he was.

I had a friend at the time whose mom was also an alcoholic. So I asked my mom if we could go together. I think my mom was just thrilled I didn’t fight her on this. The thing is though, this friend and I loved smoking pot and drinking.

Every Wednesday after school we would take the bus to my house to go to Alateen later that day. My friend and I thought it would be hilarious to go to these meetings high. We already weren’t taking it seriously. So we would sit outside before my mom came home to get us and we would smoke.

How my mom didn’t know is beyond me. Or maybe she did know. But I know she never said anything about it. Although during this time period if she did suspect I was high, I would have been in severe trouble. I was grounded a lot. 

So we would go to this meeting. And most of the kids that were there were essentially doing the same thing as us. It was a joke to me. But I also brushed this group off as something I HAD to do. Who knows what I would have thought if I actually took it seriously. Or maybe if I had been in a different state of mind. 

Heres the thing though, I wasn’t ready to face any of it. It was easier to laugh it off, than learn more about alcoholism and how it impacts everyone around them. Going didn’t last long. My friend didn’t want to keep going back, I mean who wants to face why their loved one is an addict? I was so angry at my father all the time, I didn’t care to hear it was a disease. I didn’t want him to have an excuse for why he’s done the things he did to us. Shit if he didn’t have to talk about it with us, why would I? 

I was so angry at him! I could never see it from his side; all I could see was red. From the way he talked to us, to the way he made it seem like he never cared. I simply wasn’t ready.

Everyone handles their dysfunction in different ways. Mine was frustration, hatred, and rebellion. I wish that I could have put my hatred away and try to help myself. But it was so early into the beginning of “bad.” But me pushing help away wasn’t the right thing to do. We need to help ourselves. We need to live for ourselves and not them. And what I didn’t realize, was that I was going down the same path he did. That’s not help-that is self-sabotage. 

Things would only get worse. And I’d burrow deep inside myself. I let others around me take the reins of what I did. It felt more comfortable to follow than to think. I followed the other kids who didn’t want to think or feel. So I just became numb and dumb with the rest of them. 

It’s too bad that I wasn’t in a place where I could see there were other options than drowning it out. That there were different ways, smarter ways. Though I do understand that sometimes we need to work that out for ourselves. Just don’t let it take you to dangerous places. Because trust me they aren’t worth the shame you’ll feel in the moment and later. 

See that there is better. That things can get better if you don’t let hate eat you alive. That there are groups that are helpful. It doesn’t even need to be a group. Just finding an actual decent friend that helps you through it can be enough. There are ways to help yourself. You aren’t alone…there is hope for better even if it takes some time to find or see it. 

If you are interested in looking into Al-Anon/Alateen groups, click here for more information. I do plan on going to an Al-Anon meeting soon myself. I would like to really see it with a different set of eyes.